To feel helpless as a mother is the absolute worst feeling in the world. I was emotionally drained after spending four straight nights on a cot in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. My little boy, who had just celebrated his second birthday, lay connected to wires and monitors; and if those monitors made the slightest beep, we would jump out of our skin frightened to death.
It was the night when I was able to finally force Fred to go home and sleep in his own bed instead of upright on the chair next to Knox’s bed. I knew he needed to get a good night’s rest and rejuvenate for the both of us, because God only knew this mommy was not leaving her little boy’s side.I remember it like it was yesterday; the image and shrill cries are imbedded in my brain and something I will never be able to forget. I was weak, alone, drained, scared and tired. Dog tired. So tired that I sometimes thought that I made this story up, but come to find out later in our journey I got more proof of God’s majestic presence. He knew I would need it, because He always knows what we need.
I felt like the walls were caving in on me. My baby was screaming out all night long and nothing that I did could ease the pain of the little life I was responsible for. Not a mother’s soothing touch, nor any drug was able to calm this sweet child after enduring an eight hour spinal surgery to biopsy the tumor that could not be removed, due to the location and risk of paralysis.
It was pure torture to say the least. I was forced into a situation that I had no control over, but instinctively as a mother knew I needed to find a way to fix it. However, nothing I tried was working and I was frustrated, hurting and in just as much emotional pain as Knox was in physical. Then, I realized what I was doing wrong; I needed to let go and let God.
So, at my weakest moment of my entire life (and there have been several!) I laid my hand on my baby’s back, right on the bandage that was covering what is now a three inch scar that reminds me every day of not only our journey, but the pain and struggles of that night. As I gently put my hand on this child that was created especially for me, I closed my eyes in the darkness and diligently prayed this prayer:
I know you can see us and hear us and we need you more than ever. Lord, I am physically and emotionally exhausted and I don’t know how much more I can take. I have reached my breaking point and I just can’t take anymore. I beg you to please put your healing hand on Knox and calm him, dry his tears and take away his pain. You are the Ultimate Physician and I need you to heal your child, because I am dying inside and I have had all that I can take. Please, Lord, I need you…
I said this prayer as tears streamed down my face. I removed my hand from his back and curled up on the small cot. It was 4:00 a.m. and we had been up all night and I was still hearing his painful cries. As I laid there, listening helplessly and sobbing uncontrollably, I fell into a deep sleep and so did Knox. And for the next six hours, we both had the most peaceful, restful sleep, that we had since stepping foot into the PICU.I surrendered everything over to God that night and I have never looked back. He has shown up in my weakest of moments, constantly showing me beautiful signs of His constant grace and presence. His sweet promise was proven to me that night and has helped my heart be still and my faith strong. He knows our hearts and is there in every struggle and in the midst of every storm. He sees us, hears us and will never be silent to our pain as long as we learn to let go and let God.You see, back then on the night I was alone and in despair, I thought I was in control. That I had the sole ability to take away Knox’s pain, and that I as his mommy could take care of everything. But in all reality, I have little control over anything at all. I had to relinquish control, and hand over my struggles that night, in order for God to be able to take over and calm the storm that was raging.
In the midst of life’s struggles, make sure to always Let go and Let God handle them. I promise and most importantly He promises, that He will never fail you.