Have you ever had the desire to need and want more from this life? Have you ever felt stuck in your role as a stay at home mom trying to find significance? If so, you’re in the right place…continue reading this piece on my own experiences in a new mom’s journey to finding significance.
Prior to Knox’s diagnosis the thought of having a sick child or even knowing someone who did seemed so out of reach to me. I was living in my own “perfect” world and one that most would feel so blessed and thankful to be living. Even though everything looked perfect on the outside, no matter how hard I tried, the reality was that a piece to the puzzle was missing. My life was not quite so “perfect” for me.
I remember telling my mom one day that there had to be more to this life than just driving around my little bubble going to Homegoods, TJ Maxx, Target and Nordstrom, shopping every day, running mundane errands and spending time lunching with friends over white wine. Yes, I was a mother to a “healthy” beautiful baby boy, who had been blessed with the opportunity to stay at home with him. I was given a gift to be able to raise him in my company and teach him the way I so desired about life, love and Jesus.
If you think about it, those are some BIG shoes to fill. I am not trained in childcare and my degree is not in Childhood Education. Does being a mom give us the automatic qualifications to make sure our babies are getting the development they need at such an early age? Or does being home with their mother getting quality alone time trump spending it amongst other children and certified teachers? I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer, because at the end of the day we all make choices that must work for our families. I too, was faced with a hard choice upon having Knox and my choice was to leave a corporate job that came with a lot of accolades, money, pats on the back and an identity. However, what I didn’t realize was that I was signing up for a life where you don’t get a review, a raise, or vacation days – especially with a child that has cancer.
Before Knox got sick, I spent many nights praying that God use me and give my life meaning and purpose in His honor, because my soul was starting to be suppressed and was longing for something. It was living in the confinements of a mom with postpartum depression, who spent the majority of her days with minimal adult interaction and a baby who had colic. Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe the most important job a mom will ever have will be the commitment to raising children who know the Lord and are confident leaders, and all the work that’s done inside the walls of her home. This doesn’t mean that she must give up on her dreams, however.
YOUR GREATEST CONTRIBUTION TO THE KINGDOM OF GOD MAY NOT BE SOMETHING YOU DO, BUT SOMEONE YOU RAISE.
– ANDY STANLEY
I love how the soul speaks through longing and restlessness and it was speaking to me wholeheartedly. It was begging me to be set free and was needing to dance. It wanted so badly to be used as one of God’s instruments and I begged Him for that daily. Of course, I had my own plans of what I thought I could do, better yet what I wanted to do, but His plans were obscure and way more splendid than I could ever dream. Through this experience, I have learned that you should always be careful what you ask for, because He is sure to give it to you and it might just come in a totally different way than you ever imagined!
I’m not going to say I wouldn’t change a thing about this journey, because I would. I would take away all of the pain and suffering my baby boy experienced and would put it all on me if I could. I believe that the Devil schemed and plotted (and continues to), but God had another plan for our lives and interceded. He heard my pleading months and even years before and needed and wanted to use me, because the imperfect are His chosen. I am still and will always be a work in progress, and I am nothing short of perfect imperfection.
I know now that He knows my name and make no mistake He knows your’s, too. I go to bed with satisfaction, because I am doing things that feed my soul instead of desperately seeking material “things” that don’t. I am committing my work to Him, who divinely stepped in and gave me the purpose I so desperately desired and prayed for. So, let your faith be bigger than your fears and shine your light for the world to see, because you my fellow mama are here for a grand purpose and are significant. God has called you to do big things! I love you and can’t wait to watch your story unfold, too!